By: Tom Westerholm
Let me begin by saying I love Christmas. I love the celebration, I love that Jesus’ birth is given such beautiful songs and words in church tradition, I love giving gifts, I love spending time with loved ones and I really love the one time of year that I allow myself to eat myself into a horrible food coma.
THAT BEING SAID, I work part-time in retail (the store name rhymes with Small-Fart) where I’m annually subjected to a steady stream of the worst Christmas music you can imagine. I’m a very politically correct person, but I find myself offended by the completely flat, commercialized Christmas music that gets forced through my eardrums every December. Find me someone who is offended by “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” and prefers “Let It Snow,” and I’ll support PC Christmas music. Until then? No. “Let It Snow” sucks and I’m tired of it.
Here are five other very well-known Christmas songs I won’t miss at all in the coming year.
5. Jingle Bell Rock. Johnny Depp said in Pirates of the Carribbean that the deepest circle of Hell is reserved for betrayers and mutineers. I’m convinced that that particular circle also bumps this completely meaningless yet utterly catchy drivel for 24 hours a day.
4. Boogie Woogie Santa Claus. Yep. This is a thing. You don’t even know my pain.
3. Frosty the Snow Man. Read your Calvin and Hobbes, fools. I find it strange that we need to be told that a demon-possessed pile of snow moving around on its own like a sentient being probably isn’t a good thing.
2. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. So not only are we not celebrating the real meaning behind Christmas (the whole “Jesus was born, we are saved” thing), we are celebrating a secondary character (Rudolph) in the Santa story.
I’ve never understood the whole Santa thing. When I was very young, I decided one evening that I believed in Santa. An hour later, I couldn’t keep lying to myself and I gave up. Kids can be fooled, but most aren’t stupid. They don’t believe in Santa, but he’s supposed to be the politically correct Christmas story. So to be clear, we still prefer DEFINITELY lying to our children about a red-coiffed home invader bringing them gifts over telling them the Jesus story, which roughly half the world believes to be true. This doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.
1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. Um. “What a laugh it would have been/If Daddy had only seen/Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.” THAT’S DISTURBING IN SO MANY WAYS. This kid wants his/her (it’s hard to tell) dad to walk in on his/her mom macking with some random old guy? He/she is ACTIVELY rooting for his parents’ demise as a couple, right? Is there another way to take this? I’m out.
Plus Jessica Simpson did a cover, so yeeech.
Again, please know that I love Christmas and being the post-Christmas Grinch is far from my intent. But there’s something about generic Christmas music that feels like the audio version of pushing a rolling pin across shin splints. You’ve just got to close your eyes, grit your teeth and pray that it doesn’t hurt that bad.
It always hurts just as bad as I remembered. But at least it’s over now.